In June 2020, I quit my high-income, corporate, law firm job. I wanted to pursue psychology (since junior college) and shift gears from corporate law. I never had the time to explore this path completely whilst working (not for lack of trying).

So I quit first, then did my research, spoke to counsellors & experts in the relevant fields, made a pro-con list, all that jazz. Keep in mind, I have never been overtly passionate about any career path. Neither psychology nor law.

Fast forward to today – I am currently pursuing a higher degree in…law again. So, what happened?

Without diving deep into specifics, I realised it all boiled down to two things for me; i) mental and physical stability, and ii) a change in scenario.

Burning Man

Even if you are not a lawyer, you may know that lawyers (similar to many other corporate fields) work crazy hours. For two years, I pushed myself to my tipping point because my work demanded it. I missed birthdays, family events, vacations, dates, etc., you get the gist.

I was lucky in that my colleagues became my best friends/family because I was only surrounded by them, all the time. We supported each other when we made mistakes. And even when we did not make any mistakes but got criticised/yelled at by our superiors. We formed a nice, solid work bubble.

In retrospect, two years may not seem like a lot. But for me, those two years lasted an eternity. Mine is a classic burnout situation (like several before me). I could not imagine myself growing old in my cubicle. But I also could not imagine it being any other way.

Keeping aside the exhausting/toxic work culture, which we all are aware of. The real question is: Why did I quit when so many others do not? Especially without a concrete Plan A, B and C.

After almost 9 months of what I like to call an “adult gap year”, I think I realised why. And the answer sincerely gives me anxiety – I was tired, bored and confused.

The work bubble was so thick that I could not see an end in sight. Hence, when the bubble burst, I just ran in all directions – like a person on fire.

Funnily enough, I realised that it was the burnout that pushed me to better things. I realised I have options that will not make a cubicle, my mortal enemy.

I thoroughly explored the psychology road and realised it is not suited for me, at this stage in life. I explored being a writer, marketeer, research assistant, etc. Realised that becoming a writer is something that excites me. Then I pursued a fellowship, which made me realise that my different interests and career, do not have to be linear. So I went back to law (for many other reasons).

I would be oblivious to all of this, miserable in my bubble, had I not taken a gap year.

For everybody who has asked me – Do you regret it? Wasn’t it a mistake quitting so soon? Do you think you’ve wasted your time because you came back to law? (This is mostly me to me, in my head).

I say, you are asking the wrong questions. Because as corny as it sounds, I really believe – I did not quit my job, my job quit me.

Under Pressure

Keeping aside the “why” of needing an adult gap year, I want to focus on the “how”.

Being adults (or whatever semblance of it), we often crave a structure in our daily routines. I found myself trying to imitate my work routine. And that was a foolish thing to do because it only lead me to immense anxiety and pressure. Additionally, the lockdown also made it worse and I thought I was not being productive enough.

I forgot the magic of a gap year – you get to make your own rules. You get to choose your limits. Your routine. Make up your own structure. I wish somebody told me that before I wasted so many days feeling upset about my productivity level.

By the way, it is a serious problem – our idea/standard of what “productive” is.

Our world has conditioned us to work with extremely stressful circumstances. That is why, when we remove the stress from a situation, our work does not feel sufficient. Hence, we insert that stress upon ourselves and it leads to pressure and anxiety. I experienced all of this during my gap year and I still struggle to shake it off.

Gap years are meant for you to take a break, refresh your options AND your mind. It is not meant for you to create large amounts of work or test your capabilities every day. It is literally a break from being “productive”.

Watching a movie, reading a book, learning how to cook, drinking with your friends, dancing by yourself, checking up on your family, doing absolutely nothing – all of this is a necessity.

That is why, even if you have a 9-5 job or a 24 hour job, we should normalise taking an adult gap year (keeping affordability in mind). More importantly, we should denormalise a work culture in which vacation leaves, sabbaticals and many times even sick leaves, are frowned upon.

In my gap year: I lived off of my savings from the past two years, relied on my parents, wrote more, loved more, read more than I have before in my entire life, tried to find things that relaxed me, found meditation, met amazing individuals through different courses (virtually), scrolled aimlessly on my phone for hours, cried a lot, bought plants, killed plants, learned how to drive, did not learn how to cook. And eventually, realised the bigger things that await me this year.

What’s exciting about it is this – I have never been so sure of myself before. This downtime gave me more confidence about my choices.

And my most important life realisation has been this: Our lives are not meant to be linear.